Gone Too Soon

Someone posted this song by Daughtry on Facebook, I've never heard of it before but the lyrics really touched me. As we're only days away from welcoming our little boy in to the world I can't but help to think of my sweet baby girl Alexandra we lost. I think of her often but the past few days she has been on my mind more than ever. I hope she knows that we love her so much and thank her for all she's done for our family. Although she was gone too soon she has touched so many of us and we will never forget her. I love you my sweet baby girl. I know you are watching over all of us and your soon to be little brother as well.

today could've been the day
that you blow out your candles
make a wish as you close your eyes
today could've been the day
everybody was laughin'
instead i just sit here and cry
who would you be?
what would you look like
when you looked at me for the very first time?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

would you have been president?
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother
one thing is evident
would've given all i had
would've loved ya like no other

who would you be?
what would you look like?
would you have my smile and her eyes?
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a ray of light we never knew
gone too soon, yeah

not a day goes by, oh
i'm always asking why, oh

not a day goes by that i don't think of you
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
such a beautiful life we never knew
gone too soon
you were gone too soon, yeah

and not a day goes by
that i don't think of you

Crappy Day

This would be my first Mother's Day. I should have a beautiful little baby girl, a card from Bobby, maybe some flowers.......but I don't. Instead I have 4 loads of laundry and a messy house, a heart full of pain and eyes filled with tears. This sucks, today sucks, May sucks, 2011 has sucked. I have dreaded this day all week, all month, all year. I said I wouldn't get upset, wasn't going to let myself cry, wasn't going to get angry, no tears today, who was I kidding! I'm trying to stay positive but with two failed pregnancies and an empty Mother's Day its just so hard. Lose a baby, 2 weeks later turn 30, 4 weeks after that lose your Nana, start IVF, shots and thousands, more shots and more thousands, and end with a Chemical Pregnancy! How much can one person take, wtf! People say that God will never give you more than you can handle, well I'm just about at my limit. I'm trying, I really am, but come on already. What have I done, what have we done to deserve this. Pity party over, the days almost done. Time to try and be brave, be positive, sunshine and freaking rainbows here I come. Gosh I just really hate today.

Mothers Day Woes

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor , friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

*Poem borrowed from other grieving mothers

More Thoughts

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings. These tiny footprints were meant for so many other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mommy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part.

*credit given to http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

Thoughts

Hoped to gaze into your eyes,

Hoped that we’d of met,

My heart filled with a love so strong,

I never will forget.

Not once did I believe,

As I held you on my heart,

That there would ever come a time,

We’d be so far apart.

Hoped to look into your eyes,

I saw a future so bright,

I see those big eyes shining,

In all my dreams at night.

You filled my whole heart up,

Completed my life,

Your absence hurts so deep,

Like my heart sliced with a knife.

 

I can’t imagine a time,

When I won’t cry for you,

And all the moments that we lost,

We had far too few.

I’m so grateful for the time we had,

When your Mama, I got to be,

Those memories etched into my mind,

Now mean the world to me.

You’ll always be my little girl,

I’ll always be your mother,

The hole forever in my heart,

Can be filled by no other.

As I look into our future,

It now just seems so wrong,

I cry for our lost dreams of you,

In our arms where you belong.

Now each and every day,

All that I can do,

Is try to carry on,

Forever missing you.

*credit given to http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

Our Baby Girl

It saddens me so much to write this but since I have shut out friends and family during this hard time writing this is in my own way a form of therapy. Only a select few of you know that we had gotten to experience the joy of knowing we'd be parents. July 12th was the day I found out and all I wanted to do was scream it from the rooftops, but I didn't, I held back, and glad I did. My 1st trimester was so wonderful yet so difficult. I was extremely sick and out of work for almost 4 weeks. Constantly going the doctors begging them for help, I just knew something was wrong. Finally I was put on an IV for 12 days and diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, that's a fancy way of saying the worst morning sickness you could ever imagine. It affects less than 2% of pregnant women, lucky me! I finally went back to work the end of August and felt so much better. I woke up that morning with this massive stomach, a big beautiful massive stomach. I couldn't believe how quickly I was showing. There was a baby, our baby, a baby we wanted and tried for so long to have. We also found out we were having a little girl, we were so excited! A little mini me running around. I already had so many plans for her, for those who know me well you know that her room was already in my head all decorated, first birthday party planned with the theme and all, daycare already researched, etc. I had so many dreams for our little girl, would she be a ballerina? Would she like sports? A band camp kinda kid? What would be "her thing"? Although I never had the opportunity to feel her move I did have the luxury of numerous ultrasounds. I heard her heartbeat, one ultrasound technician told me she had such a strong heartbeat she won heartbeat of the day, thats my kid already super competitive! I saw her move, I saw her legs, nose, lips, webbed little hands and I swear she waved at me. It was more like an I'm here but need to say goodbye for now.

Well, as this post is titled, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", the worst of times arrived on Sept 21st and Sept 22nd. We lost our little girl, she is in heaven now and is watching over us. There is not a moment, not one single moment that I don't think of her. She was and will always be the love of our life. I'm not sure how we're going to get through this, it is absolutely the most horrific experience we have ever been through. Bobby and I have always been close, we've been together almost 9 years. I didn't think it was possible to get any closer, but we have. He has been my rock and i thank god every second for him.

We had discussed names even before we were pregnant and agreed on Alexandra. Our precious Alexandra is now an angel,we lost our precious little angel baby at 14 weeks and 3 days.

To the friends and family that have been through this journey with us I appreciate all of your support and kind words but you know how I am, just sometimes need to be left alone for a bit. One friend did share a blog that I looked at, I found a quote that was just so beautiful to me.

"How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently. Only a moment you stayed, oh, but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts"

I'm in tears writing this and still cant believe i'm about to post it for you all to read. I have learned so much through this experience. I have learned to not take anything or anyone for granted, to forgive, to love and to most of all be kind. You never know what cards you will be dealt, you shouldn't judge others because you have no idea what they have been through or what they are going through, life can be so unexpected and so freaking screwed up at times that you just have to keep asking why and realize that you may never get that answer. Its not fair, its not right, but its something you must deal with and in your own way and on your own time.

Although she was only inside of me for a short while she has such a special place in our hearts. We love and miss her so incredibly much, Alexandra,we love you more than words can ever describe. In such a short time, it is amazing to see how many lives you have truly touched. You are our first, and we are happy to tell people that we had a beautiful daughter - one that we sadly don't get to take care of or watch grow up, but instead, you get to take care of and watch over us.

Thank you all for reading this and giving us our space. Your thoughts, comments and prayers are always welcome.

Love Me Do

My cousin and I make hair clips for fun, they have become so popular that she has decided to sell them. She will make any color clips or headbands you'd like and the prices are great! It's mostly her thing but I help on occasion because they are fun to make and I have nothing better to do these days. She's on facebook, her fan page is called "love me do" (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Love-Me-Do/170908271442). There's adult clips as well as children's clips. The prices only start at $3. She has tons already made, some for your favorite football team, school colors, basically whatever your heart desires. Check it out!

Trash The Dress

http://www.acunaphotography.com/blog/

Updated For Sale September 2009

Here's my updated for sale info!!!!



Anything that is in Orlando I can bring to Ft. Lauderdale and anything in Ft. Lauderdale I can bring to Orlando. I'm back and forth often.

• ALL GONE, NO MORE CARD BOX!!!! card box featured below (I have 2) ***$10 each*** ones taller and thinner and ones shorter and wider
  
  
  




• Bathroom basket poem in gold frame, in Orlando ***$5***






• My dress, Anjolique style 1010 size 12, I'm usually a size 6 ***name your price***





• My veil, it's in Ft. Lauderdale ***name your price*** (retail $400) I know, that was nuts!!!!













• My crinoline, not too pouffy, it's in Ft. Lauderdale ***$25*** (retail $50)
  
  


• My Moms dress, it's in Ft. Lauderdale-absolutely gorgeous, the detailing is amazing. Light Taupe with a sheer overlay on the bottom half with embroidered ivory stitching. She bought it at a boutique in Boca (retail $1000) ***name your price, she will sell it for next to nothing*** Its absolutely stunning in person, size 12 (shes really a 12-14)
  
  




• Bridal Bootcamp Book ***$5*** (with this book and Jenny Craig I lost 25 lbs)
  






• Real Weddings Magazine ***$5*** (looks brand new, all I did was make a few photo copies)

• Headpiece ***name your price*** (retail $175.00) it's 2 satin very light ivory (almost white) ribbons intertwined with a row of vintage type silver clips and rhinestones, the end of the ribbons hang down with a crystal on each end
  

Our Video

I cant seem to stop watching our video, Javier did such a wonderful job with the recap. I cant wait to see the whole thing!!!!!!!

http://vimeo.com/4259985


and this would be my Dad singing his heart out! =)

http://vimeo.com/5138924

Vendor Reviews

Page me for details!

I recently decided that making a DIY unity candle and menu was going to stress me out since I only have a few weeks left. I had great success with Alaun by Design when I ordered my table numbers I figured I'd try them again. I couldn't be happier, the prices are great and everything looks exactly how I wanted them to.

For Sale (so far)

Here are some items that will be for sale after my April 18th wedding (17 more days!)

• 15 boxes of candle glass holders (3 in a box) ***SOLD***
• 48 small ivory floating candles FOR SALE NOW (from ikea, never used, cant find receipt) ***$10 for all***
• 48 3" partially used ivory floating candles ***SOLD***
• table numbers featured below (I have 15) ***they were thrown away***
• card box featured below (I'll have 2) ***$10 each***
• bathroom basket poem in gold frame ***$5***
• and they lived happily ever after sign (I may end up keep this) ***yup, keeping it***
• bachelorette victorias secret tank size medium (never worn, forgot to pack the freaking thing!) ***$10***
• my dress, anjolique style 1010 size 12 (name your price)
• my veil (name your price)
• my crinoline ***$25***

Table Numbers

I ordered these table numbers from Alaun by Design, they are great! A little smaller than what I thought they would be but I love them! I have 15 table numbers.

My DIY Valet Tags

Here's my valet tags, I think they're so cute!

My DIY Card Box

I love my DIY Cardbox. Love it so much I'm making another one, just a little bigger.

Gift for Bridesmaids has changed again

Oh the trouble with finding a freaking gift for these girls! My Mom just told me this weekend that they cant get 4 necklaces, so no more of the picture below. =( They do have this other necklace, not as big and bulky but still really nice. I'm going with those instead, hopefully everyone likes them.

Gift for Bridesmaids

I originally purchased my BM's a clutch (pic at the bottom of my bio) but when I received it, ewwww. Not worth the money I paid for it, I expected a much better quality. I then realized that a clutch wasn't such a great idea, they'd put it on a table and that's it! So now we're on to jewelry. Cant do earrings, some of the girls have sensitive ears. Oh and I found some amazing earrings at a great price too, so that sucked. Now I'm on to bracelets. Every bracelet I saw and thought I liked I later changed my mind. Now we're on to necklaces. Necklaces necklaces necklaces! I want big, fun, chunky necklaces for them. Everything I saw that I liked is over $200, theres no way I'm spending $800+ on my girls right now. Love them, but nope! I saw this pic on bloomingdales.com of a great necklace, its $325 though. I found an almost identical match for a fraction of the price through some ladies that sell jewelry at my Moms school. I am so happy!!!!! I haven't bought them yet but most likely will this week if I don't find something else. I have to pay cash for these vs. putting something else on my credit card. Here's the bloomingdales pic, its really almost identical!!!!!!!

Lighting

I have a new obsession with lighting, it wasn't an option but now I cant stop thinking about it. I'm over budget but my Dads neighbor from Uplyte will work with me on a customized package that helps with the budget. Sooooooooo, how do I figure this one out when I'm already over budget? Hmmmmmmm........

What shoes??????

I cant decide which shoe to pick for my bridesmaids. This is the dress but it is in a chocolate color. I like them all and cant make up my mind!!!!!!!