It saddens me so much to write this but since I have shut out friends and family during this hard time writing this is in my own way a form of therapy. Only a select few of you know that we had gotten to experience the joy of knowing we'd be parents. July 12th was the day I found out and all I wanted to do was scream it from the rooftops, but I didn't, I held back, and glad I did. My 1st trimester was so wonderful yet so difficult. I was extremely sick and out of work for almost 4 weeks. Constantly going the doctors begging them for help, I just knew something was wrong. Finally I was put on an IV for 12 days and diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, that's a fancy way of saying the worst morning sickness you could ever imagine. It affects less than 2% of pregnant women, lucky me! I finally went back to work the end of August and felt so much better. I woke up that morning with this massive stomach, a big beautiful massive stomach. I couldn't believe how quickly I was showing. There was a baby, our baby, a baby we wanted and tried for so long to have. We also found out we were having a little girl, we were so excited! A little mini me running around. I already had so many plans for her, for those who know me well you know that her room was already in my head all decorated, first birthday party planned with the theme and all, daycare already researched, etc. I had so many dreams for our little girl, would she be a ballerina? Would she like sports? A band camp kinda kid? What would be "her thing"? Although I never had the opportunity to feel her move I did have the luxury of numerous ultrasounds. I heard her heartbeat, one ultrasound technician told me she had such a strong heartbeat she won heartbeat of the day, thats my kid already super competitive! I saw her move, I saw her legs, nose, lips, webbed little hands and I swear she waved at me. It was more like an I'm here but need to say goodbye for now.
Well, as this post is titled, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", the worst of times arrived on Sept 21st and Sept 22nd. We lost our little girl, she is in heaven now and is watching over us. There is not a moment, not one single moment that I don't think of her. She was and will always be the love of our life. I'm not sure how we're going to get through this, it is absolutely the most horrific experience we have ever been through. Bobby and I have always been close, we've been together almost 9 years. I didn't think it was possible to get any closer, but we have. He has been my rock and i thank god every second for him.
We had discussed names even before we were pregnant and agreed on Alexandra. Our precious Alexandra is now an angel,we lost our precious little angel baby at 14 weeks and 3 days.
To the friends and family that have been through this journey with us I appreciate all of your support and kind words but you know how I am, just sometimes need to be left alone for a bit. One friend did share a blog that I looked at, I found a quote that was just so beautiful to me.
"How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently. Only a moment you stayed, oh, but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts"
I'm in tears writing this and still cant believe i'm about to post it for you all to read. I have learned so much through this experience. I have learned to not take anything or anyone for granted, to forgive, to love and to most of all be kind. You never know what cards you will be dealt, you shouldn't judge others because you have no idea what they have been through or what they are going through, life can be so unexpected and so freaking screwed up at times that you just have to keep asking why and realize that you may never get that answer. Its not fair, its not right, but its something you must deal with and in your own way and on your own time.
Although she was only inside of me for a short while she has such a special place in our hearts. We love and miss her so incredibly much, Alexandra,we love you more than words can ever describe. In such a short time, it is amazing to see how many lives you have truly touched. You are our first, and we are happy to tell people that we had a beautiful daughter - one that we sadly don't get to take care of or watch grow up, but instead, you get to take care of and watch over us.
Thank you all for reading this and giving us our space. Your thoughts, comments and prayers are always welcome.
